Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
