My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
They are going to name an STD after you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
