tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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