Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The Olympian is in my bed
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
