this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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