Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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