i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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