someone threw a dead crab at me
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
