Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
