i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
