Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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