She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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