just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
