I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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