Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
