So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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