Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
