Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
