yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
