Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
