Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
