Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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