He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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