so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
