Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
