I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
