I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
