Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
