We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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