i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
