Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
