Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
