Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
