I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
