I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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