bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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