Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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