whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
