Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
