My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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