I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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