I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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