I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
