You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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