You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
