He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Acid is not a monday night drug
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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