I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
