When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
