We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She needs sedatives and a leash
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
