I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
