Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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