I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
